Welcome to Halloween Week 2015! Over the course of the week, you will hear from guest authors, bloggers, and your very own Book Smugglers about all things Halloween–including reviews of horror novels and films, essays on the genre, and any number of spooky topics in between.
Happy Halloween! Continuing with our fun week, we have A.E. Ash here today with your Halloween Horrorscope for the next year. YOU’RE WELCOME.
Horrorscopes For Celtic New Year 2015-2016
Salut, Starchildren! It is almost here…Halloween, Samhain, the Celtic New Year. The night many legends tell that the veil between the worlds is but a thing of wisp and smoke, thin as gossamer, easily batted aside to let in what it will. Exciting, and a great time for new beginnings while realizing that ALL THINGS DIE!
With this great mutability, this tenuous transience, this fine line between life and NOT life in mind, I’ve peered into the gaping maw of the unknown to bring you a special edition of Horrorscopes! Now, what will this new time bring for you, oh curious ones? New romance? Chances to turn new leaves, or to finally secure your place in the pecking order at work? Travel? Adventure? New and baffling senses that leave you pinned to your bed each night in awe and horror? New limbs? Well, let’s find out!
Hold on tight, Aries—the next few months will find you even more of a fiery powerhouse than ever! And for you Rams, that is saying something. You will wake with a blood-red dawn after this All-Hallow’s Eve to find that you have never felt more strength in your limbs, that you are at least three inches taller and that sometimes, you don’t even have a shadow. Neat! Now, what does this mean for your relationships, your career, your unbreakable pact with that being of black flame and horror? PROGRESS, Aries. Full steam ahead. To what? You can’t know. Nobody can know. In fact, if you try to know, there will be consequences. So hold tight, Aries…this Celtic New Year will bring big things (LITERALLY–that being of black flame is bigger than a Mack truck and knows where you live)!
I know I’ve said this before, but Taureans really know how to take life by the horns and stubbornly bend it to their will. Sometimes it takes a little bit of good old-fashioned can-do attitude, and sometimes a sacrifice that nearly rips your soul from your mortal body but you will get it done regardless. Need to refinance your home? Want to get that big promotion? If anyone can wrest fortune to their will and stand bullishly firm while fire and fear rains down upon all that is good and right in this world, it’s you, Taurus. And this Celtic New Year is no different! Remember not to back down, even if you think the sun is going dark and existence as you know it is a physical and philosophical implausibility. Don’t back down. By the horns, Taurus. By the glassy black and rapier-keen obsidian horns until that promotion comes through and all is as you planned. Happy Samhain!
It’s time, Gemini. Time for what, you may well ask–and it’s a fair question. A question we are asking too, because we don’t know. And by ‘we,’ I mean me, the shadow that falls the wrong direction when you walk toward the red-skied dawn, and anyone else listening. They are listening, you know. It’s time, Gemini. It’s time that is the problem. The symbol for your sign is two-faced Janus and indeed, sometimes you wish there were more of you–a Gemini you to take the children to school, the other you to hold down that fast-paced job as a (whatever it is you do in that windowless place). A you to make those paleo-friendly dinners, a you to whisper the words of summoning in a place sunlight will never fall. So why not make that wish a reality! It’s time. Invoke the Avatar of Kronos and you’ll move so fluidly through time you will feel like there are two of you and more! Just remember, if you meet yourself coming or going, it all falls horribly apart. And speaking of Fall, Happy Halloween!
Halloween is a time for spooky fun, Cancer. And boy howdy, will this one be spooky! And you, being the fey sort you are, might just indeed find it fun. So decorate your house in playful horrors, put out the candy corn and caramel apples, call the obscuring mists to roll, inexorable as death itself, over your lawn–the same lawn you had sprinkled over with graveyard dirt, dead man’s blood (just kidding, any old blood from your local carnicería will do), and those adorable little marzipan pumpkins and prepare for a magical time! You’re good at making magic, Cancer. A home that really makes a statement, a wardrobe that just shouts YOU, a manner with others that bids them to do as you wish in a way that is almost unnatural! Okay, not almost. Who am I kidding, Cancer–your army of invisible mind-flayers really has a way with people. So use it to great effect, and enjoy your magical autumn!
Leo, you sure do have a flair for the bold and dramatic! And during Halloween, that is so much fun, so exciting for all around you! If you’ve got it, flaunt it! By ‘it,’ I of course mean that little secret you’ve been holding onto these last few years, your ace in the hole, your little boost of liquid confidence! The flask, darkly radiant, carved out of something that looks a lot like volcanic rock, forever warm to the touch. You’re a fire sign, right? Burning from the very heart and soul of you, shining from within–so why not keep the fire going? Pop the cork–you can do it. It might smell strange at first, like sulfur and burnt roses, or creosote. But you’ll get used to the smell–all superstars do! And you’ll get used to the taste, to the mind-breaking pain of it burning down your throat, your esophagus, pooling into your stomach, a fire that never lessens or is quenched. Halloween is a great time for novelty drinks and transformations, right? Let that otherworldly light ignite you from within, accept your place as its host and it as your master, and have from fun this Celtic New Year!
Let it never be said that you miss the details, Virgo! One of the things we love most about you. One of the things that, in this coming Celtic New Year, we will ask you to improve even farther, beyond the limits of what you knew as humanly possible. Why limit things to “humanly,” we ask? If there is anyone who can apply such admirable, preternatural fastidiousness both on the job and in your personal life, it’s got to be you. In fact, we’re banking on it. Enough that this Samhain, trick will turn to treat, and you will look around you suddenly dazzled by the infinitesimal details that have been revealed to you! Now, Virgo…what will you do with such a gift? Will you make a better life for you and yours? Will you go for the gold in your career–and by the gold, we mean that golden sphere you see in the CEO’s office, hovering just above her head, insubstantial, phasing in and out of our reality but imbuing her with terrible, undeserved, unearned power? You’d be a better CEO than her, Virgo. We have discussed it, come to the conclusion unanimously. So why not use the gifts you possess to make this Celtic New Year one to remember!
As I always say, you Libras love your balance. That’s why the scales are your hallmark–and not the scales of the beast your ancestors slew at the dawning of a dark sun so many other Celtic New Years ago, but those scales of justice. And guess what, Libra. . .justice is coming! Not just to anyone, but to you. This Halloween, all those choices you’ve been making, waiting to see pan out–decisions about your love life, your career, your family–will be weighed and measured. The question is, Libra, will they be found wanting? Will the scales tip too far toward the debt you owe the universe for that shiny hair and uncanny knack with DIY home projects? Or will the powers that be decide you get another year of basking in that office with a window, of being the hostess with the mostess, the one others envy? Well, that’s for your decisions, your actions, and your ability to cheat fate to decide! Happy Halloween!
So, let’s play a little game. Tell me who I’m describing: brave and driven but also mysterious, closely guarding your secrets but also yearning toward the limelight. Contradictions! Dichotomies! Claws and stingers! Still stumped? It’s you, Scorpio. What does any of that have to do with your Celtic New Year, you may well ask…plenty, that’s what. Exactly who you are, what you are has led to this moment. The stage is set, the spotlights trained on you–it’s time to show them what you’re made of, Scorpio! And what you’re made of, well, it’s nothing scientists have ever encountered before. It is nothing of this world–denser than physics should allow, possibly non-organic, and hey, are you silicone-based? No matter what those xenobiologists might say, you’ve got what it takes to take the world by storm and this Celtic New Year will see the world watching in terror and awe.
What’s that you say, Sagittarius? Speak up–I can’t hear you over the sound of all that EMPOWERMENT! That’s right…This Celtic New Year, prepare to experience a surge of energy like you’ve never known. Energy straight from the mind bogglingly distant galaxy EGSY8p7, one of the farthest observed astronomical objects yet! Now, the question is, what are you going to do with all this unknown/unknowable energy arcing down upon you like the archer’s arrow? Have you been angling for a promotion at work? Trying to get the guy or gal of your dreams? Thinking about starting a family of your own little celestial archers? This Samhain and in the days coming, let that meteoric power flow through all aspects of your life, success blazing in white-hot glory. Just remember, even the brightest of stars die–and meteors come crashing down, leaving behind scorched earth. Happy Fall!
Oh, Capricorn–steady, dependable, stone-solid sort that you are! Your roots are deeper than the mountains of this ball of dirt hurling itself around a mediocre yellow star. Your resolve is as unshakeable as the Pillars Of Axsitia, your vision as keen as the Dire Fireborne of Xath’s fifth eye. And this Samhain, you may find yourself even more dependable and far-seeing than ever before! That’s right…this is a time of preternatural vision, of inhuman strength, of eerie instinct about retirement portfolios and how to save your mortal soul from that same Dire Fireborne of Xath, which I hear is a pretty nasty customer. What better time to grab that promotion or take some investment risks than the present? What better time to make those important decisions that determine your financial future, your career, or the course of your soul through the tarry depths of Axsitia’s Night? Carpe diem, Capricorn. Let this fall bring more of what makes you YOU!
Friend to all, Aquarius? Where do you ever find the time and energy? Oh that’s right…you are a natural when it comes to making connections! And this Samhain and into the Celtic New Year, that will be more the case than ever. Connections at work, with old friends and even with family. With friends you’ve not even made yet! They are waiting for you, Aquarius. Lined up, hungry, hopeful. They are petitioning you for favor, wringing their hands, chanting your name–all of your names, at least the ones human and celestial tongues can utter. The Friend To All is a pretty big responsibility, Aquarius. One that your Sponsor feels you are more than up for! And in the coming days as sunlight wanes in the northern hemisphere, as the leaves fall to reveal tree-skeletons, as you question yourself more and more, you’ll be given what you need to fill those big old shoes! So give thanks, Aquarius. You’ve got this!
Oh my goodness, Pisces. You’ve done it this time…you’ve really, really done it. Done what, you wonder? Let me enlighten you! This Samhain will not just be a time of prosperity or awareness of the tenuous path you walk each day as a ghost in the shell, but a time of deep gratitude and joy. Gratitude that you have finally been the one to break The Unbreakable, to know The Unknowable! Quiet, thoughtful you–sensitive, aware you. You tapped into the pulse of the universe. You asked, and there was an answer. A terrible answer–not sonorous, not awe-inspiring, but icy. What will you do with this newfound knowledge, Pisces? Days at the office could sure get interesting in the coming days! Or maybe you can use it to make your home a family paradise! Or, if you are not feeling domestic, you can banish all existence to the Void. Whatever you choose, this Celtic New Year is a time of big change, Pisces. Embrace it…you’ve earned it, baby!
A.E. Ash is a human citizen of the third planet from Sol and is a lifelong nerd, a friend to all felines, a sometimes-gamer, a squee-prone blogger, a mooncalf, but not a baker or candlestick maker. And nobody said anything—ANYTHING—about butcher. She writes weird poetry and miscellaneous speculative fiction: sci-fi, fantasy, space opera, even urban fantasy and romancy things are all mixed up in her writerly brain. Her abode is allegedly located in the United States where she lives with her superhero husband and their completely NOT nefarious kittycats who do nothing at all to help them achieve world domination. You can find her on Twitter as @dogmycatzindeed or check out her blog here: https://aeashwrites.wordpress.com.